It’s late November in America. It might even be late November in other parts of the world but hush that noise. We’re talking about America. We’ve got a problem and it’s with that country sitting above us like a trucker hat: Canada.
They stole our Thanksgiving and it’s time to talk Turkey about our beef.
Who Are We?
America is the greatest nation in the history of hyperbolic superlatives used to describe greatness. If America was a song we would be “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” playing on repeat at a strip club (full nude, no touch) servicing the hardest working of long haul truckers.
Don’t talk smack or throw shade at America. We own the internet and we will respond by being outraged and asking you to apologize on Facebook or Twitter. We will cut you off from any good rap music and make sure your Amazon purchases ship real slow like.
Come at us. You won’t get your kids Christmas present until Boxing Day.
In our thoroughly resplendent American attic, we keep Canada. threatening like a frigid sword of Damocles to drop down and take our eye out at any time.
Canada is just the wacky next door neighbor from every sitcom ever; more like the happy icicle lights where one bulb went out and Dad is too busy watching real American football to change it.
Canada is a cute country. Think first cousin cute. Sure it’s there but you would never actually play spin-the-bottle with it.
I mean, maybe. You sure wouldn’t go telling Mexico or France about it if you did.
But all this cuteness and maple syrup belies its thieving nature. Just like when a baby picks up your phone, drooling and babbling into it, mimicking you. Canada saw us gorging on dead birds, corn and mashed potatoes and wanted it all for themselves.
They didn’t steal our proud history or license a Macy’s Parade and Canadian Thanksgiving involves less hockey than you may expect. It’s known as “Action de Grace” in French Canada and Thanksgiving by those more American-like Canadians (Action DeGrace, as we all know, was the hardcore Christian rapper that opened for Snow back in the day.) It takes place in mid-October and became official in 1957.
Just a poor excuse for lazy, lazy Canucks to miss work and choke on Nanaimo bars. Take big bites and be thankful that you inflicted Caillou upon the world. All of Gretzky’s assists don’t make up for that.
We’re America. Don’t try to out-holiday us. Thanksgiving is a Kamikaze meal and we will eat ourselves into massive familial coronaries by shoving hot buttered squash directly into our ventricles in memory of some tight-assed pilgrims that ran out on the bill leaving the Native population to deal with that before we are shown up at our party.
Besides, our Thanksgiving has meaning.
Why We Eat
America was thankful over 200 years before Canada was. Heck! America was thankful for over a hundred years before we were even America. We wanted a day to give thanks to the Almighty for the bounty he blessed our ancestors with.
They had just made a harrowing trek across the ocean and felt blessed to be in a land where they could practice their religion freely by exploiting and killing natives who didn’t worship their God.
That got boring so they decided to call people witches then kill them. Then there was a period of tarring and feathering loyalists over the price of tea, the incessant degradation and murder of anyone dark skinned, the Trail of Tears, a brief detour to lock up people of Japanese descent and kill all the Nazis that ended when we asked their scientists to move in and help us spit on Russians, then right back to killing black people.
Gay people? We’re going to talk about that but now’s not really a super convenient time, kay? We’re preoccupied with our new hobby of not liking people of Islamic faith or anyone that comes here from anywhere else.
We did go to the moon once, though.
Whites We’ve got lots to be thankful for.
Still better than Iran. Way better than Canada.
Canada is a copycat. What are you even thankful for other than the nearness of us? You’re lucky we even let you play hockey in our conference. We told the British to come here so we could smack them with our musket balls, you wrote them a letter in ’82 telling them you needed time apart. You probably sent it twice, one in each of your languages.
But in the spirit of the holiday and those two bottles of Four Roses that went down so smooth, we can admit: we are jealous of your nickname: The Great White North. Something about it just feels white.
That’s how it feels. It feels very right is what America meant. Don’t put words in America’s mouth.
In closing. We are a 10 course meal at Zagat rated restaurant. Canada, you are a dried Turkey sandwich bought from a gas station, destined to be sat on by a long haul trucker making his way to our wondrous strip club. You can’t pour sugar on that.
P.S. Thanks for the loan of Our Lady Peace back in ’97. Let’s get together some time soon and discuss NAFTA?
Excuse me, were you talking about Thanksgiving? Us Canadians are already way past that and in full Christmas mode.
We have stations that are already playing Christmas music all day every day. We have had our decorations up weeks before the first snow fall (which hit mid-November) and the only reason Halloween exists is so we don’t get too crazy and put up our trees in October. The Christmas scented candles are burned down to stubs, and it’s time to replenish the stock before December hits.
Thanksgiving is a faint memory of an unappreciated holiday, and speaking as a Canadian, we just don’t get why Americans go so crazy over Thanksgiving.
We also don’t get why Americans get so crazy about themselves. This whole “we’re the greatest country in the world bit” is getting pretty old. You guys elected a guy who was running just to see if he could actually make it. The second he won, he realized the prize for winning the race is a job he has no idea how to do. Good luck with that. From what I hear, Finland is doing pretty well, but you don’t hear them bragging about being the best in the world.
This Action de Grace thing
I should probably be more specific about what kind of Canadian I am. I’m not your average igloo-living polar-bear-hugging Canadian, I’m French Canadian. We do things a little differently in French Canada, and Canada does things a little differently from than the States, which means, I do things pretty damn differently from you, and you’ve shown that “different” down there in USA means “scary.” So let’s talk scary.
Thanksgiving is one of those things we don’t really do here. *Pause for gasps from American crowd*
We get a day off work, but lots of people don’t celebrate at all. At all as in, no words are muttered about thankfulness and no turkey is eaten. People just stay at home and watch TV on their day off rather than pouring over a nice oven-roasted Turkey sitting next to your great-aunt and second cousin.
In elementary school in Canada we used to make turkey crafts by dipping our hands in paint (which probably doesn’t happen anymore because paint gives you cancer, along with everything else fun in the world). We talked about the whole native Indian / pilgrim thing, corn was mentioned, but really it was just something to do to spice up the rather dull 7 year old schedule. Mom wouldn’t even hang them on the fridge.
For those who actually celebrate Thanksgiving (or the shadow of American Thanksgiving as I like to think of it) we’d sit down, sometimes just the same family you eat with every night, nothing special, and eat a discounted turkey with stuffing and gravy until you felt sick. And that was it.
No big party, no long weekend plans, no parades, no gifts, and no taking off work for the whole damn week.
We eat a turkey, watch TV, play a board game, and that’s it.
Believe it or not, I did more than most. Most French Canadians don’t celebrate the holiday at all. At all as in, no words are muttered about thankfulness and no turkey is eaten.
Why the big holiday?
Of course we’re thankful to be our own country (and trust me I’m thankful everyday I’m Canadian after these 2016 election shenanigans). But let’s be real guys, you stole your country away from other people. Heck, we did too. We might have been even worse than you, forcing the Native Americans to conform to our culture, and treating them like our property…wait, after killing them I think you did something similar, so maybe we’re square on that one… the point is, this whole Thanksgiving past of ours is a dark and murky place we don’t want to be reminded of too much. Once a year, we eat turkey in peace, and don’t think to much about what happened to get that food into our low interest rate homes and into our free-health-care-covered bellies.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving the way we say, “bless you” after someone sneezes, or the way we say, “sorry” after someone bumps into us on the street. We just do it because we’re used to it, but it has no real meaning in our lives outside of habit.
Sorry to break it to you guys, but maybe you’re just stuck in your old over the top Thanksgiving celebrations too, and it’s time to take a step back and realize what’s really important, like Canada has.
And that’s Christmas.